Man's Morningwood Saves His Life. The True Story.

This is a true story. The names have not been changed. The beard has not been exaggerated. And yes, there is a photo.

It Started Like Any Other Tuesday

I was walking into my bedroom. That's it. That's the whole setup. No dramatic activity. No extreme sport. No reasonable explanation for what happened next.

I was walking into my bedroom — probably to grab my glasses or say hello to my dog who treats the bed like his personal penthouse suite — and then nothing. Lights out. Gone.

I don't remember hitting the dresser. I don't remember the sharp wooden edge of the TV stand meeting my chin at full force. I don't remember any of it.

What I do remember is waking up on the floor wondering why my face felt wet.

It was not wet. It was bleeding. Extensively.

The Crime Scene

I grabbed my chin. Blood everywhere. And I mean everywhere. The kind of everywhere that makes people gasp and then immediately look away.

My son ran in. He's 12. God bless him, he tried to hold it together (no, not my chin weirdos!). He did not fully succeed.

My wife came in next. She grabbed a flashlight, shined it up into my beard to assess the damage, and nearly threw up on me. Which honestly felt a little rude given the circumstances.

Her medical opinion? "Uncle Mike might be able to sew that up."

Uncle Mike — who lives next door, God bless him too — came right over, took one look at me, and said something that cut deeper than the dresser did.

"Get to the ER. Now."

So I did. Alone. Bleeding. Smelling absolutely incredible because I had applied my Morningwood Beard Mist earlier that day like the responsible bearded man that I am.

The ER. A Love Story.

I walked into that emergency room looking like a crime scene and smelling like a five star hotel lobby. The combination was confusing for everyone involved.

The wonderful woman who got me situated and comfortable heard the full story — man walking into bedroom, passes out, face meets dresser, somehow survives — and she laughed.

And then she said it.

"Your beard saved your life."

She was probably joking. Probably. But maybe not. Right? I mean, it could have. She wasn't entirely wrong. So I rolled with it. Yeah! It did save my life! That beard absorbed impact. That beard cushioned the blow. That beard, soft and conditioned and lovingly maintained with DBCO Beard Balm and Beard Mist, stood between my face and what could have been DEATH. I could have died. Really.

The medical staff thought this was hilarious. Word spread through the ER. There was a man in room whatever whose beard had saved his life. People came by to check. People laughed. People agreed the beard looked incredible and smelled even better.

At some point someone joked that if this made the news the headline would read: "Man's Morningwood Saves His Life."

We are still not over that. We may never be over that.

The Aftermath

Four staples. Maybe five. I stopped counting because it seemed like information that wasn't going to help me feel better. A month of healing. A scar that lives in my beard to this day like a tiny battle trophy.

The dog slept through the whole thing. He was fine. He's always fine. He's the most unbothered creature I've ever met and honestly I respect it.

My son still brings it up. My wife still shudders when she thinks about the flashlight moment. Uncle Mike still lives next door and still looks at me sometimes like he's waiting for the next emergency call.

And I still wear Morningwood. Every single day.

The Moral of the Story

Take care of your beard. Condition it. Soften it. Build it into something worthy of the work it might one day be called upon to do.

You never know when your bedroom is going to become a contact sport. You never know when your face is going to need a soft landing. You never know when your beard is going to step up and do what beards do.

Be ready. Be conditioned. Smell like Morningwood.

And maybe hold onto the handrail.

Andy, Founder, DBCO

P.S. — The dog was fine. He slept through the whole thing. He always does.